Confidence and CONfidence

There are times when I am convinced that I am the queen of insecurities, even when I know what I'm doing and when I know that I can do a better job than most people. I'm the type of person who rises to the occasion and learns what needs to be done, whether I want to or not. I remember this from day camp when I was the only one in my group who ended up cleaning up instead of having fun because it was the responsible thing to do.

This trait is great for employers and for fellow employees and volunteers who won't carry their own weight, but it's a horrible trait for me to live with because sometimes I end up bitter and resentful. Just recently, though, I learned that it's often not because others are lazy but because they are actually more insecure than I am at my peak. It's still hard for me to believe that, but here are a few examples of how I came to that conclusion.

I turned the Connecticut Press Club from a comatose organization into the area's most dynamic writers' group. I got involved because I was dissatisfied with the programming. I would attend many programs that promised help for journalists in finding new markets and learning how to get more income. The problem is that many of the speakers were retirees, so they were not really helpful, especially since the business of print media has changed as more newspapers have been gobbled up by large corporations and the digital age changed the way we reported and filed stories.

I made a bold move that was both necessary and brilliant. Instead of asking retirees to speak, I got, with the help of a few committee people, editors and writers from regional and national newspapers and magazines to talk about specific topics. We learned from people who are far more successful than we are how to cover business, personal finance, health and other topics. We also got a bonus. It turns out that most of those editors are actively seeking new talent. They were telling us what is missing from Writer's Market. That book is basically a telephone directory, and an incomplete, outdated one at that. Even the online version is outdated. Nevertheless, it's a good start, and I even gave a copy to the most active program committee member.

This was when I got my first significant lesson about insecurity. This person claimed she was a staff journalist and now writes mostly business stories. This is a bit surprising because she has no head for numbers and can't figure out profits and losses. Nevertheless I suggested that she put together a program on writing business stories and that she should contact business magazines. As she did in the past, she relied on email and plodded along, editor by editor, only to get many rejections. A friend suggested that we contact the speaker's bureau, and I passed along the suggestion. She agreed to do that only once the date of this program was fast approaching and we didn't have a big enough panel. (We aim for a minimum of three speakers because one may not show up and/or one may be a dud.) She refused to call Forbes in New York City because her daughter, an underachieving writer in her late 30s, was doing an internship in Washington, D.C., and she was afraid that their last name would jeopardize her daughter's career. I agreed to call and, sure enough, was able to get a speaker with minimal effort on my part. Just as an aside, her daughter was not hired by Forbes after her internship anyway, so her not being the one to call didn't help her any more than it would have hurt her. Then we ran into a problem with logistics. There was construction near the train station we asked the speakers to take, so we found a better alternative. The other train station was closer, but the train would be earlier. She was convinced that they -- all high level editors, not contributing editors or editorial assistants -- would get into trouble if they left work earlier. I gently explained that everyone welcomes leaving early and they are not low-level clerical workers who are tethered to their desks lest they lose their jobs. She said , "I don't feel comfortable telling them to change the train." So I had to do it and, no, I did not get any balking or nervousness from them. To round out the problems I had with her, she was supposed to help register attendees, as she had done in the past. She lost the envelope in which she put the checks. She had me call the person she worked with at the registration desk. She had me call the restaurant. She had me double check the box I carry in which I put handouts and miscellaneous items. Three days later she found it in the enormous black handbag she carries everyday and everywhere to hold everything but the pen and notebook which she, as a reporter, needs daily. Now that's a person who is not a paragon of reliability or self-confidence.

Another writer I know claims she quit her job as managing editor of a weekly newspaper because she wasn't given a promotion. Maybe she did. Maybe she was let go. There was and still is a lot of turnover at this newspaper chain. If she quit, it was not the most prudent decision. Her husband, an economist, changed careers and was trying to become a chef and baker of artisan breads. His bread is awesome, but this country is in a recession and for those who can afford it, there are plenty of places to buy artisan bread. He has a very limited number of places that sell his bread and he makes it from scratch at home. We're not talking about a significant size operation. They've also held underground dinner parties (the topic of an earlier blog) in the hopes of getting people to hire him. It hasn't worked out very well. They have no health insurance. Her car is a 1994 Saturn and his car is a truck. To make things even more difficult for them, she freelances for online publications that pay perhaps $50.00 an article (including a stint with patch.com until she claims they stole her content from another site) and for a weekly newspaper that pays $75.00 per article. Occasionally, she writes for a state magazine, but she and her husband are still seriously in financial doo-doo. I asked her if she ever pitched articles to the magazine editors who spoke at our programs. Her first response was a question: Have others pitched successfully? Oh, yes, I said, and the absolute minimum they earned was $300.00 for an article. She admitted that she hadn't pitched to any, something I suspected. She didn't elaborate, but my guess is that she lacks the self-confidence to do so. This is despite the fact that she brags about the many awards she has received for her writing. It seems that not only does she lack self-confidence, she and her husband both have grains for brains when it comes to simple arithmetic.

An award-winning author I know claims to have written 200 books that were published with more than 1 million copies in print. With such a track record, she should be getting at least some advance, say $5,000 per book? If I count correctly, she should be quite comfortable financially. She shouldn't even think of buying her costume jewelry at Wal-Mart. When I activated the memory chip in my brain, I recall her telling us that as an editor of children's books (for which she was paid $90K plus benefits), she altered titles to include "Jesus" or "G-d" to comply with the division head's wishes to give the books more visibility in the Christian children's books market. She never actually claimed then that she wrote all those books, but when she began to market herself through social websites, she suddenly became prolific. Incidentally, she writes books for adults, too. Now she's working on a book of devotionals and it's taking her nearly a year. From 200 titles in, say, 40 years (or, 5 books a year on average) to 1? Possibly, but the numbers don't quite work for me.

A fourth writer is an author and journalist who sometimes comes across as rather tough.She is very articulate, but she does tend to promote herself at every opportunity. This invariably makes me question what she's really all about. Once she told me that she spent $1,500.00 on how to give presentations. So why did she lecture wearing what appeared to be an old-fashioned house dress, did nothing with her hair, and wore no make-up and cheap jewelry? Sorry, but appearances do count in the credibility department. I don't mean to sound catty, but in her case, $1,500.00 would have been better spent on a decent suit, good shoes, good bag, jewelry (even good fake pearls or consigned necklace and earrings) and hair and make-up lessons. I'm not saying that's a uniform for everyone. I once met PR legend Kelly Cutrone when she was with her first firm, Cutrone and Weinberg. Even then, her edgy style was ahead of everyone else. But her overall appearance stated self-confidence and capability. It was perfect for Kelly Cutrone and would not necessarily work on this particular author. The point is that Kelly Cutrone knows her audience. The author is good at writing, but not at communicating with people in public. Fact: despite a decent turnout for her lecture, she only sold one copy of her book that day.

I'm not saying that these people misrepresent themselves to deceive others. They're just selling themselves. But they shouldn't have to if they are as successful as they claim. Personally, I find the first person's writing very staccato and prosaic and the second person's writing strong but forced. The author has a strong and annoying Queens accent and her grammar and spelling are atrocious. Yet somehow editors buy their pitches. I just don't get it. As far as I am concerned, they're all short on delivery. That said, it's my problem. They learned CONfidence -- just enough to con others into thinking they are better and more qualified than their competitors. I have to work on self-confidence and on selling myself instead of spending the rest of my life helping other people get ahead and have fun.

To counter these aforementioned people, I think about a woman who is incredibly smart and has held prestigious positions at two well-known financial firms. She rarely talks about herself or her work or her impressive titles. Her husband also held high profile positions at two banks. During the market highs, I imagine that their combined income easily topped $300M, but you would never know it by the way they live. Before they downsized to a townhouse, they lived in a rather simple five bedroom contemporary house that they decorated themselves. The kitchen had dated Formica cabinets . They each drive Hondas. They dress well, but not expensively. She and her husband invested in their children's education and I'm speculating that they have zero debt. They are both totally without artifice. She doesn't even enhance her already exquisite facial features with make-up and a better hairstyle. That's how unpretentious she is. Oh, and she even plays the piano, reads Torah beautifully and is her elderly mother's primary caregiver. She doesn't need to impress others or promote herself. She is successful and secure. I should be channeling her pure spirit instead of fretting about my perceived inadequacies against those four writers. My guess is that if someone judges her superficially and is wrong about her success, she won't waste a nanosecond thinking about them, let alone trying to correct them. Yes, I need to remind myself that she is the kind of person I should strive to be -- only in my field. Maybe, as a bonus, I'll even become more successful in my career.